Ugly in the Eyes of Someone Close

Dear blog,

Have you ever wondered how much it would hurt if someone close to you doesn't even think that you're pretty enough compared to her other friends? That someone close could always be your mother, grandmother, grandfather or whoever else it is that is very close to you...more like family related close kind.

Well, it just happened to me and it kind of hurt me. It felt like a slash across my heart. *sigh* Okay, here's the story but we shall keep the 'someone' anonymous....maybe name him/her, X. So...we were talking in the car about X's friends, about how pretty they were. And in actual fact, I mean in my opinion, I didn't think they were that pretty as X describes them. I've seen prettier ones like among my friends and all. So I just asked X, why is that X can consider them pretty and yet, X doesn't consider me? X's answered it in a really blunt way which really hurt me. I mean really, I know I'm not that good looking already but this....this really made it all worse. X said that I wasn't pretty...just average.

My point here, blog, is not about being the prettiest or the most beautiful. I'm not like the evil witch in Snow White. I felt hurt because of what X thought of me and it hurt more because X was family-related to me, someone very close to me and I expected him/her to see me as beautiful no matter what. You know how some boyfriends think that their girlfriends are always the most beautiful in their eyes no matter what? Yea...that's the kind of thing I want from a family member. It really doesn't matter what strangers think of you but if it is coming from someone you've been with for your whole life, it's just...well, painful and depressing.

Sometimes, I wonder to myself if I will ever appear pretty in X's eyes. But no matter how much weight I lost or how well I dress myself up, X doesn't seem to ever say that I am pretty. It's always the other side who's better than I am. I'm always the ugly duckling to X. I don't know if I really make any sense here, but I just felt like spilling it out. I cant keep it in my already cracked up heart. I guess...I guess it's always a tough world out there, even in your own family. Sometimes, no matter how hard you tried to please a person, it will never happen. So guess what bloggie, I'm going to please no one but myself from now on. Life is just too short to be someone else. This is me and this will be me forever. Changing myself just to get that one compliment from someone close is not worth it at all. I just got to start loving who I already am and improve to be better. Maybe then one day, that person will start looking back and tell himself/herself how stupid and blind he/she had been.

That's all for now. Goodnight, blog. I should give you a nickname...hmm...Bluo? Erza? I think Bluo sounds good for a blog. hahaha...goodnight then Bluo. Will update asap. =D

Come and Go

My dear blog,
My maid who've been working for my family for 3 years has just left a few days ago. It's rather depressing and it got me thinking for awhile, that this is actually what happens in life. People come and go. Some people are here in your life...and I mean MOST people. Then the next thing you know, poof! They disappear. They're just gone....like as if they were never there in your life. They may be a good friend of yours at one point and when they're leaving to another world, they'll turn into another passer by who just stayed for awhile to linger around you. It hurts really bad at times. I've felt it a few times and it makes it difficult for me to get closer to someone. It's the fear of letting them go at the end that makes it so hard. Don't you just feel like holding on to them? Making them yours forever? Sometimes, I really wish there's an invisible string that could tie them to me...but that would be unfair. They have their own life to live up to. That's how life is I suppose. You're meant to fall and you're meant to rise.

I run and I run and I run
Through the speed I see
Faces of familiarity and such
But the thought of them...it hurts

Goodbyes are usually the end
A single tear shall shed no more
For this is the end
And always the end

As time goes by
Our eyes may once meet again
But will it ever be the same?
That only the future reveals