Prison of Misery

So, Bluo, I've just made the longest drive back home. I usually drive fast and am eager to get home..but today...well, today's just a whole lot different. I drove slowly on purpose and each time I get closer to home, my speed reduces. It's like I'm afraid to go home...I don't want to go home. It's just not home anymore. My home's...I don't know where it is now. Even when I parked my car outside my house, I didn't dare step out. I just stayed there listening to the music and staring out blankly into the fields of grasses. But then again, I had to go down no matter what.

Bluo, this place...it's a prison of misery. I'm sorry to have to say that. People might think I'm just so ungrateful but the thing is, they don't know what I'm going through all these years. It's tough...Some might think I'm just this happy, smiley-faced girl but no. I'm not like that deep down. It's just a mask that I wear to put on a good impression to others, you know. But behind that mask, it's just something people can't understand. Even if you look into my eyes, you can't possibly understand what I'm going through. Sometimes, I wonder if it's best to just leave...but it's no good either. I have people in there who needs me because they too feels the same way as I. My road's all blocked up with tree trunks and the forests that once been so bright, is now just a dark and cold place.

Bluo, I really don't know what to do. This prison of misery is just filled with...well, sorrow obviously. It has this curse spelled upon this home. You can't hide nor can you ran. You have no where to go....it's like never ending maze with no opening. All I can do now is to just stare out my window from my room and pray that one day, this will all be okay once again.

That's all, Bluo. It's a good thing I get to type to you. Otherwise, I would just bottle it up and burst into pieces of human flesh. LOL! Just joking.

Silent Tears

Do you know what's the hardest thing to do, Bluo? Crying silently without shedding a tear or making a sound. Can you imagine how it would feel like, Bluo? Have you ever felt it...perhaps when you're hurt or when your heart breaks into a million pieces. And all you want to do at that point is to cry but you can't because of some reason.

Bluo, please close your eyes. Black out for a moment. Imagine yourself in the darkness and you hear voices getting closer and closer and they are not pleasant at all. You find your young, still childish eyes witnessing something you never ever wished for. And then beside you, your little brother's there crying in deep pain. All you ever wanted to do was to just cry...to blurt out like him...to cry your heart out...to cry out all those splinters in your heart. But no. You cannot. You just have to hold back and cry silently. Shedding no tear and making no sound. Wallowing up all your tears back into your already fragile heart. Your poor heart might as well burst into a million pieces but yet, you got to keep it together for the sake of the person you love. You show him that you're strong because at this point, he has no one to rely on but you. And at this point, he needs someone to tell him that everything's going to be okay even when you know it may be a lie. At this point, your little brother will need someone to hug him tight so that he knows...that he hasn't lost everything he loved.

Bluo, this is a really touching story my friend told me. She called me up with tears flowing like river from her eyes. And I know that by listening to her voice. It was soft and quivering. She told me she could not speak too loud because she didn't want her brother to know that she's crying. She was holding in back...whispering over the phone and telling me her stories. She told only part of it since she didn't want to recall others. I tried calming her down but I don't think it was too much help. I could only listen to her pouring it out her problems. I guess she felt better then. I really hope everything would go well for her. I know it isn't easy.

Well, Bluo. I can't expose too much. But that's just how it is, isn't it? That's how life goes. At one moment, you may have everything in the world. You may be jolly happy for all you know and not worry about a single thing. But the next moment, all those will just come tumbling down. The walls that once protected you and gave you happiness will just fall upon you. And it's up to you to catch every brick and support it on your shoulders. The worse part is when the weights are added with the people you love. You want them to keep staying protected until they can fend for their own. It's just tough how life is. Always expect the unexpected...

The Book of Life

Bluo, you're a blog. I'm sure you have friends you've visited, right? Have they ever told you their owner's stories? Well, I'm not the sort who goes 'blog walking'. It's only today that I just had the urge to. I went to random blogs...even those of whom I do not know. Most of the blogs I read were practically strangers'.

What surprises me is that there are so many people in this world and they all have their lives. I mean of course (rolls eyes) they have their lives. But well...I've never realized how much things are going on out there. I'm mostly cooped up in my own tiny world. When I read those blogs, I just felt like there's just so much more outside there. There are people out there who seems to be enjoying life but are actually very depressed. It's like wearing a mask in a world so filled with lies until you really get to know that someone. And there are those who are purely happy and content with what they have. Some don't even know that what they have are very precious until the last minute.

The thing is, Bluo, the world's just such an amazing place. Every second, there's always something going on. Someone might be dying out there. Someone might be giving life to a newborn. Someone might have just fallen in love. Can you see what I am trying to say, Bluo? How captivating life can be when you actually think about it deeply. It's like as if an unknown author's writing a HUGE HUGE book...The Book of Life. A book that's telling the tale of a billion people...a billion characters with all sorts of personality, individually. And slowly, when they meet up by coincidence or destiny, the cycle of life forms.

A story of once upon a time has revealed for a very long time...

My Dear Angel

Hello again, Bluo! Missed me? haha...I'm kinda bored right now but I just have this itch to write a poem. It's been a long time since I wrote one. I remember those poems I used to write were all so depressing. Now...I don't know. It's not depressing anymore...maybe some. Most of it are just about love or life. Could it be that one person could change how you feel or that a person just basically changes as times go by? Hmmm...I wonder. Haha...

Here's a poem I thought of.

My Dear Angel
- Carissa L. -

My dear angel
Life here is not but a scary place
Monsters awaits by day
Loneliness awaits by night

Dear angel
I ask nothing more but a globe of light
A light that shines away monsters
A light that defeats away loneliness with love

I ask nothing more but memories
Memories of you
Just so your presence is strong by me
Even when I'm sound asleep

My dear angel
Please stay with me
Until my road ends
For I have a confession I long to tell
'I love you.....angel'

Something Different This Year

Sup Bluo! Sorry I haven't written to you lately. Haven't had any inspiration but today I just had something I needed to share. =)

Well, I was driving home earlier on and I had this sudden flashback about a HUGE christmas tree I saw in Sunway Giza. I call it the Donation Christmas Tree. Hehe...it's basically decorated with orphans' christmas wishes. And then I had this crazy idea about my own christmas present.

Lets see...where should I start. Okay. You see Bluo, I'm really crazy about presents especially when it comes to Christmas. It's the best celebration of the year! Haha...But this year, I thought I should do something different since I have almost everything. I thought of giving other children the opportunity to get something they wished for...the opportunity to feel happy during Christmas Day and the opportunity to feel that others do care for them in this world.

When I was driving, I just felt this sort of sadness when I thought of the orphans who have no family to celebrate with and on top of that, they had no chance of receiving presents like most of us children do. Isn't it sad to know that while you're happily ripping off present papers with your family by your side, there are children out there who are spending their christmas day all alone? Isn't it sad that while you're here believing in Santa Claus and hoping for him to present you with all kinds of cool toys and gadgets...there are children out there, staring out into the night sky and praying to God for a family or someone to love. It's just a sad thing, Bluo.

Back to the Donation Christmas Tree in Sunway Giza, I remembered handpicking one of this orphan. He's a boy...I can't really remember what age. Probably around 12 or so. And guess what's his Christmas wish? He wished only to have a pair of pants. I know it may seem nothing but how many of you out there who actually wished for a pair of pants as your Christmas present? I'm pretty sure that most of you craved for something more like a Barbie doll or err...I don't know..handphones or any cool stuff like that, right? So yea...I've come to a decision of getting myself something too during this Christmas. My Christmas wish this year would be to fulfill at least one orphan's wish..I want to give my opportunity of receiving presents to someone else who hadn't the chance in a long, long time.

Making someone else happy in ways that you can never believe is just so much like a miracle. It's a Christmas Miracle! Sometimes, others happiness, can be your happiness too. Knowing that I will be able to transform a sad face into a happy one...even for a moment, would make my Christmas the most memorable one of all!

Well then, Bluo. Just thought of sharing what I wanted to do this Christmas. Hahaha...MERRY CHRISTMAS!! =D

Sacrifice

Goals...

Rejection...

Confusion...

Ever felt such feelings? Ever felt that you've always wanted to achieve something and that something is just right there waiting for you? Yet, it's a million miles away. Choices are always your obstacles.

Bluo, someone once told me, 'To be the best, you always have to think the best'. Someone I know have been facing some problems. She had this goal to do something different this year. To earn her own life...to not take instructions from others. But then again, obstacles...choices. They'll always stand in the way huh? I guess that's why life is never a bed of roses. You can't just pick up a little fairy and wish for all the things you want. This isn't a fairytale! This is REALITY!!!

Life is all about choices. And some choices you make may take you to the wrong end of the world while others may bring you joy and happiness. Suppose you have a goal to give your every effort into a big company who gives you a good pay and that you have to decide whether to take it or not. What would you do? Would you consider only yourself or the people you love? Would you be so selfish as to neglect the people you love or would you be so useless to give up your goal? Which would you choose then?

Well, my friend chose to be useless. She chose to give up her own goal for the people she love. Whether it is a good or bad decision she made, it's based on different opinions. Every individual has their own thoughts and desire. But her desire in this case was her family. To be with them during her limited time she has over here. To create better memories before she leaves to some other place. And despite her depression of rejecting a good offer to earn big bucks, family comes first. Nothing beats family. They're always our biggest joy and happiness no matter where you are.

They are my home...

Soaring into the World

Helloooo Bluo!!!

It's been so long...Anyways, I heard this song on the radio and I found the lyrics really inspiring. Here it is:



Bluo, you know how it's funny that when I heard this song, I could relate those lyrics with someone's life. Someone I know...someone who's very very...close. She has always been living inside a box. That tiny box cooped up by rules and regulations...not allowing her to break it. It's like they're chains of words that locks her up. Keeps her from the sunshine. And even though she may be living in a comfortable box, it's like a prison of illusions. She used to be a really innocent girl with such innocent mind. But as she grows older, like every other kid out there, she began to feel curious and the need to find who she really is. But how can she do it within her so very small box?

Sometimes, I really wonder if she knows that there's so much more outside her tiny box. That there's a whole bigger life with all kinds of people, both good and bad. And experiences which could make her a wiser person.

Every time she tries to break free, there's just something stopping her. And when I look at her in the mirror, I could just see those sad sad eyes. I could understand how she feels...how she just wish to smell the flowers, to feel the sun upon her skin...to try doing all the impossibles.

In my dreams, she sometimes comes to me, telling me how much she wants to soar. Maybe that's one of the reason why she loves looking out into the sky with birds soaring ever so freely. Perhaps one day, she would be soaring just as those birds were...one day...