I Miss Him

Today's just great. I've cried more than twice in a row. Oh, but it's not like what you think. I cried because of a movie my boyfriend brought me to watch. LOL! It's a really good movie to watch...especially for all those grown ups who don't seem to understand their own parents just because they're too caught up with work. Okay. So, this movie is based in Malaysia...not bad for Malaysians! Woohoo!! It's about the life of families...old people who misses their all-grown up children and only to find that they do not give a damn about them. It's a really touching movie. The title's '天天好天'. Oh! But don't worry. It's also a comedy show which really portraits the reality of life in families.

Come to think of it, I know now why I cried for about 3 to 4 times during that movie. *Sigh* I cried because it reminded me of my grandparents especially my grandfather who had passed away a few years ago. His death really affected me for a couple of months. I even dreamt of him as an angel who came down to just see how everyone's doing. And although I haven't much memory of him, I have this feeling that he was a great man to both his wife and children...and then to his grandchildren. Sadly, he died of Alzheimer and Parkinson disease. *Sigh* I remember how he'd use to play with us...but that was a vague memory. I remember how he used to show me his tongue. LOL! He knew how to shape his tongue into some err...squarish sort of shape, if you get what I mean. I don't remember his voice or his laughter but I remember his face when it lits up. However, it's weird to know that my sweetest memory of him was on the day we brought him back from the nursing home. Back then, he was having Alzheimer and could barely remember anything...maybe just a little but that would take up a lot of time to make him recall. I remembered how my brother and I used to tease him by making him repeating the words we said. Well, of course we didn't make him say bad words, just simple words like chocolate and etc. And as he repeated each word we said, he'll start laughing and giggling there at the back of the car seat which made everyone of us in the car laugh along with him. I wonder...how could a very ill old man make everyone laugh with such joy? Perhaps it's his cheerful face despite all those pain he's enduring deep down. Perhaps it's the way his sincere lips which curves upwards ever so happily.

There was another memory of him whereby my whole relatives went to the nursing home just to give my grandfather a surprise birthday party. I saw his condition...he laid on the bed, wearing pampers like a big baby and his hands would shake so much...Why throw him a birthday party when he has no memory of who these people around him are? Why? Because it's the only last thing we could all do for him before he goes. It's because we just want to see him laugh happily for the last time even though we know he would never remember that moment the next day.

On the day he died, I remember the ceremony ever so clearly until today. It's the last memory I had of my grandfather. I saw him dressed up nicely in a tuxedo and was placed in a casket with his hands folded nicely on his chest. His face so pale but yet in peace. I could see his slight smile carved on that wrinkled, kind face. At least we all know that he passed away happily. No more pain...no more loneliness. I could still remember myself drawing him a small card just so i could throw it into his grave before they cover up his casket with soil. And I remember my mum telling me not to turn my head back facing the grave once we're on the bus. We were suppose to look forward and not look back once we leave my grandfather's grave because in the Chinese tradition, the soul of the person would be able to go to heaven in peace if we don't look back. At that moment when the bus started it's engine, I tried so badly not to look back despite the fact that I wanted to just look one last time...not that I could see him ever again but it's the comfort of imagining him waving goodbye to us that would have probably made me feel better. But I obeyed my mum...I didn't look back because I also wanted him leave to heaven peacefully and with no hesitations. Honestly, I don't know if what my mum says is true but it's for the best.

A few weeks after his passing, I had a dream about him as I have mentioned above. He came in my dream and mentioned all my relative's name. They were all in my dream including me. He looked like an angel guarding us. In my dream, I remember that he spoke to each of us one by one, telling us not to worry...giving us comfort and making sure that we're all alright over here. But that was just a dream...or it could be a message from him from above. All in all, my grandfather was a lovable person and a good man. He'll always stay in my memories. He'll always be my dearest grandfather no matter what! I miss you, Tata (Grandpa).